Being in New Zealand I felt that I could "take on anything" which is very true....the "Kiwi" experience toughened me up!
At the airport waiting for my flight I thought to myself with a smile "I'm fearless"
While waiting for my transit flight in Singapore, my good conscience said "This much closer to being back to a place where I know I would be filled with sooo much warmth and familiarity"
Once, I got off the plane at KLIA, it wasn't only "warmth" that I got.......It was a FREAKING HEAT WAVE! and that was only the beginning........
The hope, dreams and ambitions in the first week turned into disappointment and frustration in the second week and now anger, sadness and despair in just the third week....
I started asking myself, "Why the hell did I come back?"
What I'm about to say next may surprise you as words like this would have never come out of the Sarah May Low that you once knew pre-New Zealand....
When I was in NZ I was free!!!!!! never once I needed to think about responsibilities, money (not that often anyways), the image that I would need to portray, career, studies, relatives, friends, people I use to work with and worst of all......MY PAST!
In New Zealand, I forgotten all about the above, started anew and just learned to live happy everyday being an unknown person with a new group of friends who does things together which were new, spontaneous, fun and most importantly, WILL NOT probe me, interrogate me and mention things that I do not want to hear or think about...
I hate meeting familiar faces (not that I don't love them as a person, I LOVE ALL MY TRUE FRIENDS to bits!!!) as they know too much about events from the past and start questioning me which brought out the anger, sadness, etc, etc. that I have forgotten when I was in New Zealand....
Probably, their intention were innocent or maybe they were just being nosy (can't blame them, human nature!) but coming home, instead of starting FRESH! I got a "blast from the past" and a "rude & shock awakening" that made me realized that there is sooo much more to deal with here in Malaysia than just coming back "for a holiday"
I realized how difficult it is to dis-associate yourself from your past even though you tried you bestest best to erase all memories of it! Like a criminal, once you've done something wrong (and get caught for it of course!) that is always that "black dot", doesn't matter how much you've achieve before and therein after and no matter how PERFECT the rest of your resume is......that one tiny black dot will taint your 10 pages of resume and haunt you FOR LIFE!
But then again, even though I've realized and found out (unfortunately) many things since coming home to Malaysia, I know that I am a big girl and they are things I need to deal with head on.....Maybe part of the reason I'm back is that I know I have some unfinished business?
I really do not know what the outcome will be, whether I'd end up sad or happy, hurt or relieved, in tears or with a gigantic smile, I prepared to face it all.....
What I've learn in this very short few weeks is that "Growing up is not about being able to run away from fears, problems and the past but being able to face and deal with it!#likeaboss"
While doing some "spring cleaning" on my personal Facebook page, I found a note that I have written about some " funny truth" about myself way back in 2009.
Just decided to share with you all and to ascertain how much I have changed as a person after 3 years :-) 2009's 'me' is in BLACK current 'me' is in RED
1. I don’t smoke.
still don't smoke.
2. I don’t drink (ok…not all the time…..only when I’m overseas…which is not that often).
lolz! was in New Zealand and drank loads of liquor there to keep me warm in winter. No joke! i was shivering in my bed when I went to sleep at night and fell sick my 1st week there T__T
3. I don’t take drugs.
I still don't do drugs and will NEVER approve of this.
4. I don’t gamble.
More like lazy to learn (mahjong/poker) and for 6 months I always forgot to buy LOTTO T__T...or not I millionaire now...
5. I don’t club.
Starting going to clubs in 2010 to attend events (PR purposes) and friend's birthday parties and loads when I was in NZ! reason being there is NOTHING ELSE TO DO AFTER 5pm WHEN ALL SHOPS ARE CLOSED!!!! and NZ have NON-SMOKING CLUBS!!! #ftw
6. People always misjudge me and think that I’m a wild party girl that has had at least 50 boyfriends.
Still look very wild and boyfriend mark haven't even reach 50 yet...or even 2...lolz!
7. But I’m more innocent than any of you people who reading this:-P and I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend.
Still more innocent than any of you reading this. No comment of the 2nd statement.
8. I have a “people to assassinate list” (but I won’t kill anyone coz it’s wrong and I’ll go to jail and eventually go to hell…it’s just to make myself happy).
People to assassinate list has had an increase in candidates
9. I don’t forgive and forget. I believe that people must pay for their mistakes. MUAHAHAH!!!...oh yea…I’m suppose to be innocent ***innocent big eyed look***.
Learning to forgive and forget so that god won't send me to hell when I die in Dec 2012
10. I believe in superstitious stuff like feng shui, horoscope, star signs & karma.
Oh YEAH!
11. If asked in the future, which secondary school I am from…I would say Assunta.
I have chosen a smarter answer...I'm home-schooled :-D
12. I believe that my stinky enemy from high school should die from suffocating off her bad B.O (body odor). She's still not dead yet. Damn!
13. I am currently holding 2 jobs….one as a publishing editor…..another as a kindergarten teacher (most of my friends can’t believe that I’m a kindergarten teacher…I’m not that bad ok….I’m better than MOST kindergarten teacher….some can’t even speak proper English…eish!!!).
Currently jobless. #nuffsaid
14. I have a 5 year career plan…..in which IF I fail, I’ll marry a rich man and live the rest of my life spending his money. Muahahahah!!!!!
Career plan has changed numerous times since 2009 (4 years ago!) and if I fail this year, I'd have to look for a rich man candidate to marry.......=__=" #damniwasshallow
15. I hate MALE CHAUVINISTIC PIGS!!!! (MCP=men who thinks that a women’s job is to stay at home, raise the kids, cook, clean, polish her husband’s shoe)….I CURSE them….they should go **** themselves!!! It’s already 2009!!! Both men & women should have equal responsibility in household chores, raising their kids, etc.
Still feel the Same
16. I can’t stand good looking but DUMB people (Himbos & Bimbos)…..their lives are so worthless and it’s unfair that they get things they want by using their looks alone.
Still feel the Same
17. I can’t wait for the day till I get married!!! (But I do not know whether I am really ready to get married or just obsessed with the idea of getting married…the princess gown….grand reception….etc)........
totally forgot about this naive statement! lolz! after seeing many marriages break down, cheating men, broken promises.....I'm now undecided! I'd rather wait than make a wrong decision. As they say ~wise man says, only fools rush in~
18. I love singing, dancing and being a drama queen…I would die of depression if I have to live without a single one of it.
Don't need anymore explanation.
19. I can cook but I don’t cook (I’m knife, fire and hot oil phobic)…I prefer baking.
My Cooking has improved by leaps and bound since I became a babysitter in New Zealand and having chefs as friends. It's too expensive to eat out over there too!
20. I am claustrophobic……I get nervous when I’m around a lot of people in a small confined places…..that is why I don’t go shopping during sales.
still the same.
21. I will NEVER marry a guy who smokes.
Learned that NOBODY is perfect. would tolerate a bit if he is a good person and loves me unconditionally :-)
22. I’ve had crushes on 5 gay guys (because most gay guys and super hot & super smart…..but on the bright side, they make VERY good friends).....
still love them to bits!
23. I attract players but I prefer smart nerds:-D
still love em!
24. I believe that my prince charming is out there ***twinkling eyes***
Oh yes :-)
25. I look pale and sick without makeup…but guys like me that way…
I don’t understand why…. still don't understand why they don't appreciate my SUPERB makeup skills which took me so many years to learn>__<"
No. 26 (just for the kiasu-ness (cannot lose) factor in me) - I’ll be leaving Malaysia in a year’s time. (Don’t ask where….I wanna disappear and come back really successful)....
disappeared many times already...still not successful....FML!
*btw, my "past" mentioned above is actually only a small issue...haven't killed anyone.....yet! :-P
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